Unexpected...to us...

...I laugh as he stares at me with all the stoic seriousness he’s rather infamous for, but this is even a new level of stoic for Aaron. Like, I’m actually scared. When Aaron Schroeder tells you to take a pregnancy test, and to do it now, that’s exactly what you do. Period.

So I head up to our bathroom. I had a few tests left over from last January when Aaron unexpectedly returned from deployment 5 months early, and, well, his return wasn’t in my planner, on my calendar, or lining up with my immediate reality. So alternative preventative measures THAT time were shown to be quite effective. I checked out the expiration date, it had expired 4 months earlier. But it was all I had, & I wasn’t about to go back down to dictator Schroeder without an answer, or at the very least, without a peed-on test. No sir.

So I take it, in complete disbelief of what I’m actually doing. I KNOW I literally shook my head in denial of the whole situation and said to myself, “This is so crazy, cray-zeeeee! there is no way you are pregnant! You’ll show him the negative test in a few minutes, & you’ll laugh together about the ridiculousness of him being the one, for once, to jump to conclusions instead of being logical.”

The test is ready, & I look. Very, very, very faded double line. I dive for the instructions that were thrown on the bed a few minutes ago. Fact: Reading pregnancy test instructions beforehand may save you incredulous amounts of anxiety after looking at a possible double line on an expired pregnancy test.

It says any hint of a double line is indicative of pregnancy. However, is that still valid after knowing the test is expired? And, might I add, the test also says for most accurate results, test the first urine of the morning? Well, I’m sorry, EPT, it is inching toward noon, and this is far from my first pee of the day. I claim unreliable results. Error proof indeed. Pfft.

Aaron asks about the verdict, I say the jury is still out & explain why. He says he has to get to school, but orders me to go to Walgreens (sidenote: he doesn’t give me orders unless his paternity is on the line) & get a non-expired test. There’s that scary stoic Schroeder again! Oy, the nightmares. I agree to go.

Walgreens is the place to go if you want to get something you need. Or to get a whole lot of junk you don’t need at all in an attempt to conceal getting what you actually need. My checkout basket contained the following: Whoppers, razer blades, box of hair dye (because there was NO WAY I was really preggers), thinking-of-you card for...somebody, although I wasn’t sure who yet, I’m sure someone would pop into my mind at some point and I’d be thinking about them & musing, “boy, if only I had a thinking-of-you-card to send them”, & plus, looking at cards is such a great time killer-maybe I’d even forget what I’d come to Walgreens to get in the first place, no-show socks for work shoes, mascara, and a Snickers for Aaron. Oh yeah, and a home pregnancy test.

Arrive back home, take the non-expired test, read the instructions and wait. This one shows two double lines, a bit more solid than the last test. But its still not the first pee of the day! In my twisted mind, this could still mean margin for a false positive. I don’t care if the test says false positives are not possible. I’ll wait until the morning and take another. This pregnancy test business was not in my planner, on my calendar, or within my immediate reality.

Morning arrives, and I take yet another test. These two lines are undeniably bold, and I’m not registering the reality of this still. I guzzle a ton of water, eat breakfast, shower, & take the last test in the box. Two more lines. 4 tests in all, all indicative of pregnancy, all taken by the queen-of denial. I prepare to tell Aaron the news he’s already assumed for the last 24 hours. He handles it very well, and by well, I mean he nods and says ok, but doesn’t vomit or faint, or transform into the Incredible Hulk.

I give him a kiss & head off to work. I know we will discuss it that night. At work, I don’t even think about my life-changing news that took place earlier that morning on my toilet. I dive into paperwork and sessions with patients, and speech/language goals & objectives. This is the routine I know and am comfortable with. This is an environment that remains untouched by the events of the morning. My life is familiar here in THIS place. I’m SAFE in this place, because I don’t have to think about anything beyond the last patient of the day. I’ve never related MORE to my kiddos with Autism than I have through this experience. I’ve discovered such a genuine appreciation for possible ways in which they see and react to the world.

Work ends. At home Aaron & I begin our first of many discussions about what those four sticks hanging out in the bathroom will mean for us in the future. A “surprise” pregnancy brings about many emotions. Especially when a certain stoic personality doesn’t enjoy surprises, and a different personality only enjoys surprises if they come in the form of chocolate or clothes or books-the kind that don’t require a planner, calendar, or that could altar an immediate reality.

Well, the ultimate result of all of these discussions was the acceptance of this life-changing surprise. It was not an immediate acceptance, on either of our parts, but a gradual one. At the first OB appointment, 8 weeks along, I heard the baby’s heartbeat & really connected that this was not just any surprise. This was a gift, from our God. He chose this gift-this child- for us, or maybe God chose us for this child. We have no idea why. We weren’t planning on children, at least not in the foreseeable future. So many of our beloved friends and relatives have struggled with their dreams of becoming parents, and have desperately sought out all options, at all costs to achieve what came to us so unexpectedly. Unexpected to us, but a perfect plan in the eyes of God. This surprise will be the best of any we’ve ever had, if for no other reason than because its God’s way. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

8 Weeks

13 weeks

20 Weeks